How to Avoid “Cold Wars” Between Partners
Written by Shiyang Gong
Born and raised in China, I have heard my parents talk about how a couple should trust each other, understand and care for each other, save each other’s faces in front of others, but we rarely talk about how a couple should talk to each other. I learned how important it is for a couple to learn to speak with each other through some firsthand experience.
I. The Problem
5 Arguments All Couples Have Before Divorce
Our family dynamics changed greatly after our son Andrew was born. Like many Chinese families, my partner and I both had our parents take turns to stay with us and help take care of Andrew.
With increased daily chores in the house, responsibilities toward Andrew, different needs of each person, and complex relations among 5 members in the "large" family, the marriage relationship between me and my husband Gavin became especially difficult when Andrew was 2 years old.
As Gavin had many business trips back then, I spent a lot of time taking care of our family needs, like grocery shopping, planning weekend outings, keeping up with my parents or in-laws as they were sometimes lonely living with us. I felt I was constantly on the giving end of care and support to everyone, but never received care or understanding from Gavin. After these many years of being together, we had been so accustomed to having each other around, but now we had less of each other’s attention and care, and we naturally just blamed the other for it.
Things were worse when my parents were with us because I spent more time with my parents, which made Gavin feel ignored, and having my parents around left Gavin feeling like he had even less room and autonomy. It progressed to the extent that we even fought fiercely in front of my parents - something we tried very hard to avoid.
With limited time and opportunities to even be alone with each other, let alone settle our disagreements, we had to choose the "cold war" mode – for weeks, we spoke to each other only when it was absolutely necessary. We pretended to be normal in front of my parents, and had minimum communication just to keep the family going. That was disastrous. When we were on the “cold war” mode, we were both in pain, and the chemistry between us was very unhealthy, yet strangely balanced, so there wasn’t an urge or reason to break the “cold war” inertia. Neither of us felt we must fix this, or even when we did, we didn’t know how.
I knew that our emotions would eventually fade away as time passed by, and we would recover from our pain little by little, to the point where we would be okay to move on. In fact, during that 6 months, we were either in "cold war" or on the road to slow recovery. Every time we had a fight, I was like a shipwreck, painful and hopeless; then I recovered a little and was able to slowly put my pride aside, but when I was motivated to fix things, I simply didn’t know where to start. We used to write emails to each other after a fight because we believed this showed our sincerity and helped us articulate our thoughts, but then one time I was stuck in an email I started for weeks. This kind of helplessness shoveled me back to square one.
II. The Search
CREDIT: WESTEND61. GETTY IMAGES
I started to do research online on marriage counseling. Surprisingly I found that we actually had a very solid marriage foundation: shared values, trust, and commitment. It seemed that the problem lay in communication. This lit me up a little because it meant there could be practical solutions to our problems if we found ways to improve our communication.
One question that baffled me for a long time was: what is the correct way to communicate between married couples? I always hated the way my parents spoke to each other when they had a fight: it started with one blaming the other, then soon evolved into a real fight. But this kind of communication happened a lot when I lived with them before college, and it continued to happen as they were with us now. Although love and care remained the foundation of their relationship, verbally they could be very mean to each other. When I discussed this with my mom, she said maybe it was supposed to be like this, and many good families she knew had such fights. Ignorant and confused, I had to agree with her, and I even convinced myself that this type of family communication may have psychological benefits, so that one could release the tension of negative emotions at home. I thought maybe that’s why the people around me didn't need to see psychiatrists.
I was so wrong.
As my research went on, I came across an inspiring piece about someone's experience in the “Interpersonal Dynamics” courses at Stanford University. It mentioned a book named “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life” by Marshall B. Rosenberg. I was reluctant to read a book that seemed to provide simple solutions. But I was also just curious, and I figured I was so helpless and confused that I could benefit from any insights the book might have on this topic. The book turned out to be greatly helpful.
Through all the readings I did, I learned that the way we spoke to each other, although seemingly polite, was "violent" in nature, because it resulted in pain or harm. For example, we rarely expressed our understanding of one another; instead we just made assumptions about what the other person was thinking. In addition, we never really expressed ourselves when we had negative emotions. Instead of talking about our own feelings and needs we blamed others, which most of the time triggered the vicious cycle of blame and defense.
Being an observer of such violent communication between my parents for many years, and now both a culprit and victim of this kind of communication with my own partner, I couldn’t agree more with the book’s arguments.
There are ways that can help us better express our feelings and needs to create a flow of compassion and understanding with our partners. I learned that on a deeper level, the problem isn’t about how we treat others, but how we treat ourselves. Other people can trigger our anger, but the cause always lies with our own fear, frustration, loneliness, etc. There are ways to shift our attention inward and try to deal with our own problems.
At this point, I felt confident enough to at least give some of the book’s suggestions a try, because the tools it suggested for improving family communication seemed practical, and I could literally make a plan to implement them. I proposed a guideline in my email to Gavin for a non-violent communication project for us:
Acknowledge the problem – the violent factors - with our way of communicating - and even the in the ways we treat ourselves. Keep an open mind to make some changes to the way we speak to each other.
Start from modifying the way we express understanding and our feelings, and learn to communicate – with verbal or body language – in non-violent ways. I knew this would take time to practice, but I believed if we could remind each other to be more careful about this sometimes, then it could be a helpful tool.
Empower ourselves from within. Initially, it felt like it would be enough just to be aware that some kind of inner power could help us solve our problem.
I emailed Gavin my research notes and shared the book with him on the Kindle app. I was hopeful and confident because I believed that we still had the foundation of our marriage, and, more importantly, I thought we had the ability to take a firm stance against our problems.
IV. The Thawing
Scientific studies on how meditation can affect your heart and wellness
https://justincoaching.com/scientific-studies-on-how-meditation-can-affect-your-heart-and-wellness/
Gavin kept an open mind. We started with the hypothesis that our problem lay in communication, and it could be improved with the right techniques. We gave the book’s recommendations a try, knowing they might not work 100%.
We usually communicate very well with friends or clients because we adopted certain techniques, or even put on a façade. But with family, we think it is important to take off the façade and be our real selves. This makes a lot of sense, but this also means our pride always stands in the way. It took courage to express my feelings, especially when revealing my vulnerabilities, such as sadness, fear, loneliness, or frustration. Most of the time, I was busy hiding these feelings by building walls around them, and I even blinded myself with these walls. I was afraid that showing my vulnerabilities might put me in a disadvantageous position in a conversation.
But this person was my close family, not my enemy, so maybe he would show compassion? Instead of putting on a façade in family communication, I put down my pride. I was impressed by how well it worked when we truthfully expressed our feelings. Instead of saying “why are you so angry today?” words like “It seems that you are overwhelmed today” would immediately convey my acknowledgment and understanding of Gavin’s feelings. Sometimes words like “I am feeling sad when you say that” worked too. Without blaming or judging, my expressions of sadness left Gavin no reason to start an attack or a defense, instead, it brought empathy out of him. The tension between us softened, and the blame-defense cycle didn't stand a chance.
We realized that even changes in the words we chose in our communication could make a difference. Although it didn't work perfectly all the time, the experience of some success was encouraging. By avoiding the "cold wars" we had the opportunities to work on other aspects of the relationship, and even look into ourselves.
How to strengthen family communication
https://steptogether.com.au/blog/how-to-strengthen-family-communication/
I told my story to Michelle and Pat from Yuyuanshe, and they asked me to write an article and share it. In the beginning, I felt this might be too personal a story to share with strangers. But I was convinced to write this after we discussed how it might help others who are going through something similar. Especially during this COVID-19 pandemic, we believe many couples have experienced difficult times being under the same roof 24/7. If you are going through communication difficulties, you are not alone, and you can take charge and find solutions to work through these challenges. It takes is courage, but you can find that within yourself.
About the Writer: Shiyang Gong is the co-founder of legal technology company AI.LAW, a partner of DeHeng Law Offices in Silicon Valley, and parent of a 6 year-old along with her husband. She lives in Bay Area. Shiyang loves to explore and is not afraid to step out of her comfort zone. While balancing personal growth and family responsibilities, Shiyang also hopes she can inspire people through her actions and by sharing her experiences.