Dating Outside the Binary
The Tinder Problem
I downloaded Tinder on my phone for the “I don’t even remember how many” times, after constant nudging from my friend. I was nervous and even panicking a little, looking at the “choose your gender” page. I haven’t used Tinder for a few years. Although I saw the news about this popular dating app getting so many more gender options, I was shocked when I saw the page that asks me if I want to “be included when people search for men” or “be included when people search for women”. When I just thought using Tinder could be easier for gender non-binary and gender non-conforming folks like me, the reality told me otherwise. As someone who identifies as agender, it was a hard question. I must admit that my brain went totally blank at the moment. At the end of the 2-minute brain freeze, I chose to “be included when people search for women” for two reasons. My gender expression is on the femme side of the spectrum. And the reason I started to use Tinder again was to help my friend find more cute hetero guys. However, the moment I clicked that option, I started to feel like a fake, or someone forced to fake.
Let me describe the scenario for you. My friend and I were lying on two couches in a cozy apartment my friend booked on Airbnb in Milan, Italy. The apartment seems old but full of sweet memories of a family. There were two couches in the living room and one of them was bright warm yellow that looks like the Sun we were supposed to see behind the rainy clouds during that weekend. My friend, who was trying to move on from her ex, asked me to download Tinder, so she could prove to me that there were more cute guys in Milan than in Rome. Though her real motive, I doubt, was to use my account searching for more potential dates. Like she said, there were more cute guys in Milan, a bonus of my exhilarating and scary experiment with the app. I was more than glad to delete Tinder from my phone when we went back to Rome, like a burden on my shoulder finally dropped.
Freedom to live, breath, and date
Gender non-conforming writer and performance artist Alok Vaid-Menom (Instagram @alokvmenon)
What we did on Tinder that weekend was only a low-risk experiment comparing to my real life. In my everyday life, anxiety almost never leaves when I present myself authentically. When shopping, all clothes and accessories are marked with a certain gender. Though I know that gender is only a social construct. I know dresses are not “naturally” female. However, breaking the rules the society writes about gender has always been exhausting. I’m used to getting weird looks from people. What I’m not used to is being harassed in public restrooms. I’m lucky enough to only experience that once, which is just average for trans folks. According to GLAAD, “53% of transgender people report being harassed or disrespected in a place of public accommodation, for example, a bathroom.” (GLADD) A 2015 survey shows that “almost 60 percent of transgender Americans have avoided using public restrooms for fear of confrontation.” (Reuters, 2016) Like I said, I’m not more unfortunate than the average.
Speaking of dating, I’ve never dated or been in a relationship in my 25 years living on this planet. Although I don’t think having a romantic intimate relationship is necessary for happiness, and I don’t really believe the tale of “happily ever after”, I still want to experience being in love. Seeing my friends falling in love, having hearts broken, and getting married, as well as all the dramatized love story on screen and pages, I’m deeply curious. I’m curious about the power of love that drives so many generations to create and to fight. My friend who I mention in the bringing of this article said to me several times: “I wonder who your partner will be.” Every time I replied: “Same.” I wasn’t joking. I truly do want to know who my partner will be if I ever have one. Nevertheless, I don’t see any signs of my 25-year and counting single life ending soon. But I did analyze on why it’s so hard for me to date. In my analysis, there are two challenging elements: sexual attractiveness and dating pool.
What’s wrong?
Gender is a social construct, so is gender expression. Sexual attractiveness is closely related to gender expression which include clothing, hairstyle, makeup, behaviors, etc. Most makeover shows like Queer Eye can be an example. On the shows, many everyday folks are changed to be more attractive or appealing by changing the way they dress, groom, and behave. There is a standard for sexual attractiveness which is standardized even more due to globalization. When we talk about “being attractive”, we think about actresses and actors in Hollywood, Instagram influencers and models, probably across countries and cultures. Certain kinds of gender expression are considered more sexually attractive than others. On the other hand, a hairy and big gender non-binary individual who wears lipstick and dresses, aka me, is not that popular on the market.
At the same time, my dating pool is smaller than the majority. Sometimes, even I have to ask: who will feel sexually attracted by someone like me, a trans and gender non-binary individual? Theoretically, only folks who identify as bisexual or pansexual could be attracted by me. That demographic is not looking predominant today. I identify as bi/pansexual. When being outside, I could often imagine having a relationship with someone random on the street, but the imagination never came true. I haven’t felt compelled to hit on someone in years because I believe in souls connecting more than “love by the first sight.”
An issue bigger than me
I’m not the only trans and gender non-binary individual who feels awkward in the dating world. Trans and gender fluid writer Alok Vaid-Menom talked about their dating experience: most gay men think they are too feminine and most straight guys think they are too masculine. Most people who approach Vaid-Menom do not see them as a potential partner who is sexually attractive but just a celebrity who can bring attention. Two Canadian researchers did a survey in 2018 asking 958 participants (all but seven cisgender) if they would date a trans person. Only 12% of all 958 participants selected “trans woman” and/or “trans man.” (Blair, Hoskin 2018) This research also reveals misinformation that cisgender people have about transgender identities. Almost all transgender folks are discriminated against regarding dating. The challenges I face is only part of the bigger problem.
I’m not giving up on love. I have hope that the future will be better. A gender inclusive society is possible when everyone fights for it. It might sound strange but whether I can get a date depends on the actions and influences each one of you make. Yes, I’m talking to you, the reader. I ask and challenge you to learn more about transgender identities and educate others around you, or maybe just share this article and find me a date.
Reference:
[1]https://das.ohio.gov/Portals/0/DASDivisions/EqualOpportunity/pdf/EEO%20Academy%20Matrix/GLAAD%20-%20Info.pdf
[2]https://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-lgbt-survey/u-s-transgender-people-harassed-in-public-restrooms-landmark-survey-idUSKBN13X0BK
[3]https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0265407518779139?journalCode=spra&
About the Writer
Albus Wang (they/them) is a writer, artist, activist, and Tarot reader. As a Chinese, queer, transgender, gender non-binary, first generation immigrant, Wang works to empower trans communities across borders by giving them a voice through literacy. Their works are featured in Queer/onthology: Homespun From The Rhythm, and Flow of Last Exit Wounds.