9 years ago，right as we were waiting for our daughter to come out, we wanted to do something with my bizarrely huge and round belly of 40 weeks pregnancy, so at least my husband would stop pacing the room.

We decided to paint my belly into a global map on a blue planet, flagging China and America. The reason was that my daughter was conceived in China and would be born to an American father and a Chinese mother in a hospital in San Francisco. So this map would show the journey of my daughter travelling the globe as a tiny seed— a seed of hope bearing the best of the two countries and two cultures.

That seed was a product of curiosity, adventure, yearning for change and evolution, or newer and better versions of ourselves, plus so much hope for peace and love for this world from both of her parents. 

We thought that this map was the beginning of a great time of global harmony with the US and China working together on something bigger. Both of us have been part of that collaboration for the past 9 years. We thought that the map would grow to see stronger ties each day with people like us traveling back and forth, and many more flights between the two countries we call “home” would be added to this map.

It did not come true. It went the other way. The ocean in between got wider for us to cross. Perhaps it will take our kids and their generation to see this vision of the map come true. 

As for me, every time I want to write something, I still struggle -  Do I write In Chinese or in English? More and more I chose English. As much as I love my parents and my family and friends in China,  English is the language the people in my life use the most. I imagine one day my daughter will be reading this and knowing what her mom went through. And that is when she will learn how fortunate and unique she is.

9年前我们在等着女儿出生的时候, 我们打算在我怀孕四十周的大圆肚皮上留点纪念, 那样至少老公也有点事做, 不会总在屋子里来回打转。

我们决定在大肚皮上画个地球, 把中国美国地图标记出来。毕竟女儿在中国受孕, 即将在旧金山的医院出生, 爸爸是美国人, 妈妈是中国人。这样一来这个标记出了中国和美国的世界地图, 也算是画出了女儿作为一颗小种子全球旅行的路线, 这是一颗承载了希望, 希望能结合两个国家两种文化最好部分的种子。

这颗种子如她的父母一般, 好奇, 冒险, 渴望变化和进化, 渴望成为更新更好的自己, 带着许多对于这个世界充满爱和和平的希望。

那个时候的我们, 天真地以为这个世界地图才是全球化世界和平时代的序幕, 中美紧密合作让世界变得更好。 而事实上, 我和先生在过去九年也的确参与了许多这种合作。我们一直相信这地图上的五星红旗和星条旗之间会长出很多连结, 因为有了像我们这样的人在这两边穿梭游走, 我们的家乡母国之间会有更多的航班加到这个地图上。

这个愿景并没有实现。反而, 两国之间隔着的太平洋变得更深更广了。也许要等到我们孩子们和他们的一代人长大了, 才能看到这个愿景中的地图变成现实。 

至于说我, 每次我想写点什么, 都很挣扎 - 到底是用中文写呢还是用英文? 越来越多时候, 我发现自己选择了英文，因为虽然我深深爱着中国的父母家人和朋友, 我现在生活里出现最多的人毕竟用的是英语。 我想象着, 有一天, 我的女儿会读到这些文字, 理解她的母亲所经历的一切。那一刻, 她会知道她有多么幸运, 多么独一无二.