I have been a high achiever all my life. I went to the best schools, received a Ph.D., and afterward went on to work for leading software companies in Silicon Valley. As an employee, I was equally exemplary. I worked hard, tried my best to climb the corporate ladder, and in doing so, made a comfortable living and found my place in the world. Sometimes I feel lucky that what I want is perfectly aligned with what is valued by society. Only when I’m very honest with myself, do I admit that I’ve become so accustomed to chasing the achievements deemed valuable by society that I’ve often ignored my deeper inner needs.

When I decided to retire four years ago, many people were surprised. It was the first time my preference and society’s expectation are at odds and I let myself prevail. But I knew I would be ok. The world is so vast that plenty of things can be experienced and learned. I wanted to follow my heart and see where it would take me.

In these four years, I started two blogs, one in Chinese and one in English, took four courses in literature, art, and history, joined two non-profit organizations, made many interesting friends, and read more than 100 books. There are still many things I want to do but haven't gotten around to doing yet. Learning a foreign language, playing piano, picking up tennis, joining a choir, and becoming a master gardener, to name a few. Not to mention the pandemic has completely thwarted my travel plan.

I must confess I have become lazy after I quit my job. Efficiency has been thrown out of the window. Everything is done at a slower pace. After having worked hard for so many years, I should take time to decompress, I always tell myself. But after four years, perhaps it’s about time to start paying some attention to productivity again. I just have to constantly remind myself not to fall back into the mindset of an achievement-oriented rat on a running wheel.

我是一个标准的“高成就者”。我少年时认真念书，上最好的学校，毕业后去大公司上班，在公司也兢兢业业，努力上进。这么做时我得到一份安稳的生活，也找到了在社会上的位置。我有时以为自己很幸运，想做的跟社会的期待基本一致。但在最诚实的时候，我明白自己已经习惯随波逐流，经常忽略了自己内心的需要。

当我四年前退休时，很多人都吃了一惊，包括我自己。这是第一次在自己的偏好和社会的期望发生冲突时，我让自己的偏好占了上风。但我并不很紧张，因为这些年我已经意识到，世界很大，可以玩和学的东西很多，多到我们用一辈子、两辈子的时间也无法学完、玩遍。

这几年我建了一个中文、一个英文两个博客，上了四门文学、艺术和历史课程，参加了两个公益组织，认识了很多有趣的人，读了一百多本书。还有很多想做而未做的事情，比如学外语，弹钢琴，打网球，参加合唱团，成为园艺大师。旅行计划没能实行，因为遇上新冠。

我必须坦白，退休后我很懒，做事慢慢吞吞，拖拖拉拉，效率很低。我一直跟自己说，刚退休嘛，当然首先应该减压。这一减就减了四年。现在看来，为了多做些事情，应该提高效率。只是要时刻提醒自己，千万别一不小心，又旧病复发，变成一切以成就为导向。